Southern Weather and the life of an Artist

I was sitting here this eveing with Allison. We had just finished cooking fried chiken in a cast iron fry pan(to give it that true southern vibe) I have been trying the last several years to perfect my fried chicken. I figured a close appoximation of KFC's 11 herbs and spices was simple. 2 packs of dry Italian salad dressing mix,powered tomato soup mix,paprika,both onion and garlic powder,a touch of cayanne pepper and along with the flour mix a tad bit of Masa corn flour. Once we got done we sat on our couch and heard thunder. Allison looked outside just as lightening was beginning to strike then came the down pour. For someone from Alaska this remains a trip to me. It was then I got sick again...couldn't eat a thing without throwing up..I will be happy when I recover. I've never been so sick. It truly sucks.

I sit here late at night some nights and wonder. All those years in AK. wondering what the future holds. When oh God when will I be released. Well here we are. NOLA. The most unique city I've ever been to let alone lived in..what adventures lie in store here?

The big question for an artist. How do you make money at this? I really have no clue. The music business has changed in ways I thought I'd never see. Technology has made that possible. Anyone with a shoe string budget can produce a good sounding cd and with that same cd can produce a video to go along with your music and put it on you tube. I started to paint My blog is in the process of becoming a book(I have a writer friend back in AK who is editing my stuff as I type this) the painting is something so new. Something I had been thinking of doing for a long time. All these creative things...I see the same gifts in my daughter Jessica. Honestly I think she has far more talent than I. My son Jeremy plays guitar so much better at his age than I did at the same age as he. All these things.I prepared for years for this on one level or another but I didn't take this into consideration. Age. I wasn't planning on getting old.Compared to many others I'm not "old" but if you are reading this it is coming from a middle aged musician in his 50's. One of my favorite movies right now is "The story of Anvil" a story of a heavy metal band that has been at it for 30 years and has yet to "make it" Music makes me happy. Getting on stage makes me happy. Much like them that was(and is) my story too. I'm one of those guitar players that "should have been" it is so hard to out run "Should have been"or should be. the reality is right now I'm not but this story is not on it's final chapter there is yet to be an epolog. Mine has not been written.

I have been thru love and it's loss. I've had nights of glory and moments deep deep sadness. I have felt lost and so utterly alone and lonely. I have moments filled with overwhelming love. There has been so much I have survived. So many times my life has burned down in front of me and I have somehow found the will to rebuild again.
Here is the struggle. I find at my age I don't want the struggles of a 20 or even a 30 something. I am alarmed at the loss of ambition and drive I once had. Yet I still live under the shadow of "Should". A therapist whose book I was reading once said "Should are Shame statements" shoulda,coulda,woulda,..screw it all. What will my history say? Screw my credit rating, screw my retirement,screw all the thingrthat 99% of the rest of the world worships...and they worship "SECURITY" if the fall out of the economy has shown us anything it's the people you trusted to care for your golden years were just plain crooks and stole your money. I passed on alot to "GO ALL IN" I walked away from a state job in AK where had I stayed I would have been covered for life with health benefits. Problem was I was no good at the job. A preacher I heard once said security is the enemy of faith...maybe that is the real issue here. This world or the other world.
The Bible says the just shall live by faith. Jesus said a lot on the subject of God caring for our daily needs. I have experienced miraculess times of God's provision. Truly amazing. My years in Southern California was a time like that. It is built into me thanks to those days to soilder on. Yet my feet arn't as fleet as they once were,my eye sight not as sharp and my energy not what it once was. So what do I have. Something only a guy with the time I have under my belt would. EXPERIENCE. and maybe wisdom. A few years back I spent 5 days getting reaquianted with guys I used to play with. I stood outside one night talking to one of them and frankly I was shocked at the almost lack of growth I saw in him. 20 years had gone by. I would have expected more. I have a few friends back in AK like that. They seem frozen. Suspended in time. I told my sister that I had been having the same conversation with a family member for 20 plus years. Some people just will never "get it". They never seem to "wize up". I have, so what do I fear? I am at a place in my life where if there is a real need I am confident God will supply it. I have become ( continue becoming) the guitar player I once dreamed of. after 3 tries I finally found a soul mate. A woman I share so much with and someone who has taught me so much. I have overcome morbid obesity. I now live in the city of my dreams. Some place where I can step outside my door and smile at the beauty I'm surrounded by. Why am I still afraid at times? I grew up in a family that was unstable to say the least. That fear that all can change in a moments notice has nipped at my soul my whole life. Getting sick like I have is a case in point. what started out as a coff turned into this. Still Allison and I were talking the other day how it was after I got sick she went to work. Had it been a day or two earlier she wouldn't been able to be at the hospital with me. All can change yet looking back over my shoulders I have been thru so much yet God has always been there.
I have learned so much in my life because I have always tried to be "Teachable"I have always looked at every situation I have found myself in rather I liked it asked for it or brought it on myself in this way. the Bible says the steps of a good man are ordered of the Lord then He had a reason for this and there is something here for me to learn. God has taken me thru many valleys many times of trials teaching almost all of it has been about relationships. In the 80's it was over coming being co-dependant and the son of an Alcoholic. Reading "Co-dependant no more"by Melody Beaty really changed my life. There has always been the music and it has taken me down many roads.But most of what God has taught me has been stuff someone called to be a therapist would learn. I would have gone down that road had I not been a musician. OK I think this is the deal with this blog tonight I have all the experience talent and training of someone who would be in a "Professional"field like a college professor or such. I chose to remain a guitar player.My love and devotion to the instrument has kept me frankly Poor.
I have all the trapings of success except this. The money that follows success. Allison is so good for me in this respect she never compares me to the Jones,she is not impressed with money and in her eyes she sees me as a very successful man. A musician who has continued to play when so many like me quit and went off to become successful in some other field. I found that back when I taught there were many my age who had regreted giving up music. It was like they were trying to capture something out of their past. Something I never gave up. I have it in me to be I believe an effective therapist but I don't at 54 ever see myself in school to earn a masters degree to be one. What I would like from God is this The money and the life of what I truly am. A world class musician. Guitarist singer song writer. What I want is this I want the life of an artist and be so successful that money is not a worry or issue. Another reason I love being married to Allison is she is good with money. I want the Valedation that money brings to a man for his work. That money to pay bills, buy a home, keep a car going the money to do that and money for my old age(coming from song royalties and works of art etc) for me the money is the pay back for a life time of sacrafice and sticking with music when there were so many other things I could have done...God will you bless the works of these hands after all these years? I pray you will.