Paying the dues to ply

"The High cost of a High Call....or Payin the Dues and Livin the Blues"
I don't know if what I have can be considered a "High" call but it was a call none the less. I had a sense of destiny,a purpose and little else when I started. At this point things were simmering away on the burner like pasta almost ready to serve. God had given me all the elements to succeed I just needed time.
As I said with a call comes a crisis. At least for a season. The enemy will try to convince you that your situation is both permanent and hopeless but in fact there is a river Jorden for those who don't become "bleached bones" in the desert. I knew that, having studied the Word on it, now I was living it. And I was in the struggle of my life.
From nearly the moment I arrived in LA there seemed to be a strangle hold on any flow on income. It wasn't for lack of trying on my part nor an unwillingness to gain skill or schooling. In fact when I wasn't working I was looking, or back in school to gain skills. But here is the deal. You are not in the wilderness to live easy,prosper, or have a sunday drive. The wilderness turns slaves into servants and wimps into warriors or it kills you. This period was like living a guitar solo with notes that soared with passion and triumph right next to ones that ended in twisted phrases and broken strings.
Misunderstood by friends,fellow Christians(who should have known better) and family only I and a very few knew what was on the line. Our souls. I came close to packing and going on 5 different times being under constant pressure from said family and spouse . I also knew this that despite the hardness and lack of just about everything I was dead center God's will for me and that was were I had to be no other option period!. God's children followed Moses thru 40 years of hardness and hardship. Those who had longed for the "Leeks and Garlic"of Egypt would find that their complaining and harness of heart condemed them to 40 years as opposed to 11 days. In my study of them I could see Joshua and Caleb had 40 years to to raise a generation from slaves and train them to become a desciplined army. Thru years of marching,setting up camp,raising the Tabernackle of Moses,gathering manna. I found so few believers understood this. Slaves to this one thing...Security..I once heard a preacher say security is an enemy of faith. I say AMEN.
During this time I lived in the Word. The Bible is a "Cook Book" for life with all the recipes needed that serve the soul...It became my "Real Book Chart" my guide thru the Jazz of turmoil,trial and test. Ken would always tell how he respected my knowledge and understanding of God's word.. I lived on it and the books and tapes of preachers like Kenneth Hagin,Norvel Hayes and Kenneth Copeland. They inspired me to face the wind, and persaivere in faith. This wasn't a "name it and claim it" thing for me..I wasn't asking for a new car,new house...I was claiming food on my table to feed my babies. There were many a night when the wife and kids were asleep that I would walk the floor and pray. When your life is reduced to desert sand and manna who do you turn to?As I would percivere in pray, some extra finance would come in or there would be a let up in the oppression. It was almost daily warfare. I was fighting on all fronts..At work,with the Saints and at home..my only true solace and joy were Jeremy and Jessica. They were such a source of joy and love. They filled me and motivated me to stand my ground against the powers of hell that were leaning on me daily.
What was about to happen was something I was not ready for or knew how to handle. It would blow my church in two,wreck havoc in the band and eventually destroy my marriage and stumble me hard. We had taken in my sister-in law. and noticed at one point that she had begun to complain about headaches. Then one day she was having trouble seeing out of one eye. The Doc gave her some glasses to fix what he called a "lazy eye". One day she was in school became very very dizzy and threw up. She came home and for the next 6 weeks laid on our couch while we took to Doctor after Doctor trying to figure out why every time she sat up she got sick and threw up. I spent a lot of time with her and the wife praying and praying while we tried to deal with this. Finally on Christmas eve of that year she was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. 9 month later she passed away just weeks after turning 18. Tragic and saddening beyond words. This had a very adverse effect on our church.There was a group of prayer warriors who were believing she would get healed. The pastor wanted the family to be prepared for the worst. When the worst happened it split the church in two. My wife went back to Alaska to bury her only sister. Little did I know what affect that would have on her. My ex wife was never one to deal with issues up front. We fought constantly over her denial of important issues. We began to attend a new church and having lost my mother I understood grief. But strange things began to happen at home. My good Christian wife began to hang out in bars. I prayed and prayed for her and tried to show her the dead end street she was on. But she chose to run rather than seek help. I won't go into to terrible details here but one night after Stevie and the Saints had played at the Waters Club. my wife who was 3 months pregnant at the time told me she had been unfaithful,and was unsure if the child she was carrying was mine. I had overcome poverty,rejection,I had stood my ground in God and fought the enemy toe to toe but this was far more than I could have handled. The enemy hit me at my most vulnerable. For the next 7 months I had to carry that. Even if the child was not mine the Godly thing would be to adopt her. Turns out Emily is all Olsen. My wife repented we prayed and I forgave her as best I could but it hurt bad. One night in prayer God showed me a blond man coming to my door. I told the wife that the enemy was not done and this man was coming 6 months later I come home from work and standing out side my apt is that same guy. I walk in and point him out...she denies it,but they were doing the deed already. It got worse and worse. By then I had 3 record deals on the table. My hand was squarely on the brass ring. I made the hardest choice she didn't want a divorce but she couldn't stay in LA. So I walked away from a recording career to try to save a family. I would try for 8 more years until she dove back into that putrid filth again. She would total destroy my whole life and I would be 10 years rebuilding. That is the high cost of Christian dedication.