God's People and Me.

I am 54. I have been a "Born Again,Spirit Filled" Christian since the age of 15. I'm pushing 40 years. All my life. At 17 God called my to music. In a very unconventional way. It has been an honor but a trial too. I've played so much music,written so many songs. I've played for Govenors,Senitors and simple folk as well. Saints and sinners. Just about everything in between. It has been difficult in my relationship with God's people to explain what I do,why I'm doing it and the daily struggles I encounter to keep doing it. This "Rock and Roll Cross" I carry at times is light as a feather other times heavy as threshing stone. I think all servents with a call on their lives feel the same way at times. My wife Allison and I share (amoung other things) this thing I call "the loneliness of being different". In all my Christian journey there was only one fellowship I went to that seemed to understand. I was living in LA and we started to attend Pasedena Four Square. The pastor there was someone who made a deep and lasting impression on me. Ralf Torrez. Ralf had been raised up under Jack Hayford of Church on the Way. He was the youth pastor for many year. That period of my life I had been going thru one hard time after another. Of all the pastors I've had he was the only one who understood that our struggles were not for lack of character but rather a season of testing. This was something so basic to the Christain walk that I wondered why it seemed to excape everyone else. It is sad when your brethern make life that much harder by the insults and put downs. Ralf and his church will forever hold a tender place in my soul.
Community. The yearning to be a part of a family. My problem was growing up I had a scewwed perspective on family. During the 70's and early 80's my home church empraced the "Sheparding/Accountability"movement espoused by such bible teachers as Bob Mumford,Don Bashum. I still hold these guys in very high regard. I profitted greatly in my walk from their teaching but the practical day to day application of "being covered" and "accountable"...frankly was just to damn harsh. I remember telling a friend that I felt like going to church was like punching a time card. I think this was the first crack in my relationship to God's people. I began to lose something there. When I first got saved I was in church every time the doors were open. There was such Joy in worshipping God. I was so hungry then for His Word. I loved everybody and everybody loved me. I was young I know,but then it was a special time. It became a point of going to church out of obligation rather than joy. And for a guy like me it got boring. I began to feel like the shoes no longer fit.
When I returned to Alaska after 8 years in LA I came back home a very different person than who had left. I was now a professional musician. I had school,records and a tour under my belt. It was then that I stepped into the life of a working musician. Problem was the hours kept me away from church. I was also mired in a horrible marriage that had been coming apart for years. Between the two I stumbled and stumbled hard. The next thing you know 14 years had gone by. I had maintained many of my relationships with my brethern I just got real skiddish and gun shy when being around to many of them. Here is a case in point. I'm sitting in a church once in LA during a revival. Sitting there minding my own business just as saved as I'd ever been yet here comes some well meaning believer who starts sharing Christ with me..I guess I look like a sinner. What it has been for me all these years is frankly fitting in. I just couldn't relate to the average pew sitting church goer. It's not that I feel in any way shape or form superior. Just different.
I've said all that to say this..I repent. I feel guilty for all those years of not being a productive member of a fellowship. But in a real sence I became a victum of the charismatic movement. Starting with the shame and guilt producing Sheparding movement and ending with my divorce. So maybe I'll take my wives advice..go to a "nice" church..well enough of my rant today..on ward Christian soilders.