Memories of my year at the Musicians Institute. 1983 in Los Angeles. Hollywood was to put it mildly was a mind blowing experience. I was 28 and newly married with a child on it's way. A struggle to say the least. But here are some of my fondest moments. Daily walking around the school I would hear some of the most amazing guitar playing and see some of the weridest people. There was one guy who I swear spent the whole year in the student lounge,smoking and noodling on his guitar. I never saw him in any class or performance. There was this kid with long greasy hair who had such perfect pitch that he paid his rent learning solos off records for fellow students. There was a guy from Iceland who started playing guitar the same year I was born. As I walked the halls it was hard to stand out amoung so many excellent musicians. It would only be latter that my education there would really help me excell once I returned home to Alaska.
The teachers were an interesting collection as well. My chord melody teacher was from New Orleans which I find odd now that I live here. I recall sitting in class next to these three guys from New York. They were all dressed out in spandex with long hair and these bright colored pointy guitars while Ron the teacher is standing in front of the class with a seven string Benedetto custom made Jazz guitar trying to explain how to play "Misty" solo. The sat there slack jawed with that "Deer in the Headlights"look. We had a teacher named Les Wise who taught the Jazz improve and BeBop classes. Les papered us to death. He would have this table with piles of notes on licks,motifs and all types of improve stuff. I kept it all and 25 years later still look back on some of it now and again. Going to his class was funny cus he approached eat lecture like a science teacher except he stood there with a guitar hanging off him. Our sight reading teacher was this loon who was an ivy league grad. Charlie was one of the funniest guys in school and the best sight reader I ever met. He also taught this class we had on "Music Video Training". This was the dawn of MTV so the school wanted to train us in that medium. We spent a lot of time goofing around in front of a camera and standing in front of the class doing werid exercises that Charlie came up with. The one I share here was one of the funnest and fondest I remember. We were learning how to lip sinc to a series of short music clips(two minutes) One of the clips was the Police "Every little thing she does is magic". There were a dozen or so tunes to pic from.I did something by ZZ Top. A lot of the class picked the Police. Let me tell you how this went down..as each student started doing the song unprompted the other students started getting up and goofing behind the guy lip sycing. As the class moved on more and more students jumped up and when the chorus "Every little thing she does is magic" kicked in the whole class would be dancing behind whoever was singing throwing papers scarves in the air and someone had produced liquid string and was spraying that everywhere. It was such a spontanious out brake of joy that I stood there thanking God for the chance of being there and seeing this.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Festivals for any reason whatsoever and deep fried wondermiss eats!
Things I love about NOLA....you can walk anywhere and drink. And they throw a festival for any reason..a fest equals food,music and fun. Today is the Italian fest and parade. Last week was the Irish parade where they dressed in green and threw cabbage and potatoes at the crowd. next week they are having a Tennesee Williams fest. They have a "STELLA!!!!!" shout off like the movie "Street Car named Desire"....love this town..wish I felt better to get out more. Allison and I had lunch at yet another amazing hole in the wall. Jack Dempsey. Piles of deep fried wondermiss eats. Whoever did the cooking there sure knew his stuff. I had the red fish platter with mac and cheeze. Crisp and crunchy on the outside and dripping juicey inside. Allison had the combo half fried oysters and catfish. Oyster she gave me was to die for,crisp crunchy,and when you bit into it it exploded with briny juice. I am a SLAVE to oysters!!!Been noticing the shrimp at the stores have been comming in really large,fat and pink..yum.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Travels on Trolly
The last two days I had to visit the clinic. I road the trolly. Interesting riding the trolly with the people of NOLA. Lots of poor,black folk. I catch the ride back in front of "40 ouncer" pit stop. Lotta guys standing around drinking out of brown paper bags. Today I sat next to an elder black man who said he was 90 years old. He looked good for his age. These are just the wonderful salt of the earth types who give this city such a vibrant interesting soul. Yesterday I noticed this fella who was dressed all in green. He was an older man with a shaved head,wearing gold rimmed glasses. He was doned with a green derby,light green shirt,green tie, three piece green pinstrip suit with matching green socks and shoes. Striking. Today as I road back from my doctors visit I saw the same guy in the next car. Today he was imcauletly dressed in an off color suit with a marron strips and matching tie,doned by a straw hat. Who is this man? Maybe he's retired and just spends his day showing off his wardrobe on the trolly?...This is such and interesting city.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Why ask Why and Faith vs Fear.
I am married to a very amazing woman. Absolutley the sharpest, smartest woman I've ever known and it is an honor to share a life with her. She challenges me way of thinking all the time,especially on spirtual matters. It is good for me. I wonder at times if believers really know what they believe and why. Just tonight Allison told me she thought early on in my Christain life I had been sold a bill of goods that didn't stand up to reality. It's refreshing having someone say that. She and I couldn't come from backgrounds more different. She grew up in a good normal Christain family..I got saved thru the Jesus people movment and prior to that the only time I ever heard my Dad pray was twice a year. Holidays. There was no religion in my up bringing. So when I stumbled into all this..I knew NOTHING. Except I had had an encounter with Christ that utterly changed everything about me. Allison went to a Methodist church. Just good people trying to serve God and help each other along the way. I got filled with Spirit and wound up smack dab in the middle of the Charismatic movement back then. Frankly as a "Jesus Freak" we all had a bit of mis trust to standard churchhes and frankly many of them didn't really know what to do with long haired ex whatevers to find a place for us. A buddy of mine once said he felt like our generation was a bit lost and not sure where we fit into the big picture. Charimatics preach a lot of stuff. Living in health,wealth and victory every day. I learned a long time ago to stop asking "Why". In my trials I've tried to see things in this light,"What is it here that I can learn and become a better person"I've been divorced twice, Been homeless,broke and near out of my mind with grief over loss. But on the other hand I've had times of wonderful joy and have felt loved and accepted. I guess at my age I spend time looking back taking stock. Seasons. The Bible says to everything there is a season. I believe in my life so much of what I've been thru and learned is a preparation for what God ultimatly has for me to do. I've studied the lives of many successful people. Looking for a common thread. I'm still looking. A very strange thing happened starting in 06. I lost interest in playing music. I still played but somewhere there the joy and passion vanished. It scared me. Music had been a defining factor in my life since I was a kid. It was because of music that I learned so many other things. I really didn't know what to do with myself. So I studied wealth. I read all kinds of books about everything on the subject. Spent hours learning about investing. I studied the rich. What makes them different than us. If there was a common thread is they look at money way different than I do. They started young collecting and working. I have known a few in my life who just seem to have a knack at making money. A tallent I wish I had. I did get this. It is a skill that can be learned. Finally at the end I came to this..I'm a musican, I really am more concerned about the down beat than the bottom line. Allison and I talk sometimes about it. I tell her if we ever won the lottery it would scare the hell out of me. She is always catching me and pointing out how I talk myself out of success. She is good for me.
The Bible says the just shall live by faith. Here is what I have learned about a Christain approach to wealth. It's really not ours. We are simply stewards over what God gives us. We may toil in the field and benefit from it but He is the owner. I've seen to many times where to much success can destroy a life. As with anything not enough causes suffering to much can to. Fear. I've had it snap at my soul my whole life. I have experienced amazing instances of God's provision. All my years in LA there were time after time God provided. Here is one I'll share. I was going thru this horrible divorce. I had lost everything. I was sleeping on my sisters couch in Anchorage at the time. I had come back from Fairbanks after another vain attempt to reconcile with my future ex-wife. Why in the face of all the pain and betrayal she had heaped I couldn't say. But there I was. My brother In-law was busy with his business and my sister was sick at the hospital. I was so broke I had to hitch hike home. To add insult to injury my leather jacket zipper had broke and it was 20 below. I was miserable. My older sister had given me a new Bible and for some reason I had it on me as I stood shivering on the side of the road. I noticed a truck had pulled over so I ran up and jumped in. There was this latino guy who saw my bible and asked if I was a believer(even though at the time I felt like anything but)I said yes. He said he never picks up hitch hikers but God told him to pick me up.(I was thankful cuz I was really cold) So we started talking and I opened up about what I was going thru. This brother whose name I never even got had a Word from God me(for all I knew he could have been an angel in disguise)He said two things..One,that if my wife didn't repent and straighten up in time God would hand pick someone else for me and that He was going to begin as the bible says"Make the Crooked ways Strait" This was like someone throwing a drownding man life saver. I felt God's peace and despite all I was suffering I felt his hand upon my shoulder. The brother even gave me a ride right up to my sisters door. Precious are moments like that. Within a few weeks I returned to Fairbanks and was offered a fulltime possition at the mental health place I had been doing relief work for which gave me the income to rebuild my life. I did finally finish my divorce.The benefits helped pay for 3 years of therapy that helped heal me and in time I met and married this truly amazing woman. Allison my best friend and true soul mate. the Bible says He will never leave us nor forsake us. That day truly proved that to me. God is good. Praise Him...amen
The Bible says the just shall live by faith. Here is what I have learned about a Christain approach to wealth. It's really not ours. We are simply stewards over what God gives us. We may toil in the field and benefit from it but He is the owner. I've seen to many times where to much success can destroy a life. As with anything not enough causes suffering to much can to. Fear. I've had it snap at my soul my whole life. I have experienced amazing instances of God's provision. All my years in LA there were time after time God provided. Here is one I'll share. I was going thru this horrible divorce. I had lost everything. I was sleeping on my sisters couch in Anchorage at the time. I had come back from Fairbanks after another vain attempt to reconcile with my future ex-wife. Why in the face of all the pain and betrayal she had heaped I couldn't say. But there I was. My brother In-law was busy with his business and my sister was sick at the hospital. I was so broke I had to hitch hike home. To add insult to injury my leather jacket zipper had broke and it was 20 below. I was miserable. My older sister had given me a new Bible and for some reason I had it on me as I stood shivering on the side of the road. I noticed a truck had pulled over so I ran up and jumped in. There was this latino guy who saw my bible and asked if I was a believer(even though at the time I felt like anything but)I said yes. He said he never picks up hitch hikers but God told him to pick me up.(I was thankful cuz I was really cold) So we started talking and I opened up about what I was going thru. This brother whose name I never even got had a Word from God me(for all I knew he could have been an angel in disguise)He said two things..One,that if my wife didn't repent and straighten up in time God would hand pick someone else for me and that He was going to begin as the bible says"Make the Crooked ways Strait" This was like someone throwing a drownding man life saver. I felt God's peace and despite all I was suffering I felt his hand upon my shoulder. The brother even gave me a ride right up to my sisters door. Precious are moments like that. Within a few weeks I returned to Fairbanks and was offered a fulltime possition at the mental health place I had been doing relief work for which gave me the income to rebuild my life. I did finally finish my divorce.The benefits helped pay for 3 years of therapy that helped heal me and in time I met and married this truly amazing woman. Allison my best friend and true soul mate. the Bible says He will never leave us nor forsake us. That day truly proved that to me. God is good. Praise Him...amen
God's People and Me.
I am 54. I have been a "Born Again,Spirit Filled" Christian since the age of 15. I'm pushing 40 years. All my life. At 17 God called my to music. In a very unconventional way. It has been an honor but a trial too. I've played so much music,written so many songs. I've played for Govenors,Senitors and simple folk as well. Saints and sinners. Just about everything in between. It has been difficult in my relationship with God's people to explain what I do,why I'm doing it and the daily struggles I encounter to keep doing it. This "Rock and Roll Cross" I carry at times is light as a feather other times heavy as threshing stone. I think all servents with a call on their lives feel the same way at times. My wife Allison and I share (amoung other things) this thing I call "the loneliness of being different". In all my Christian journey there was only one fellowship I went to that seemed to understand. I was living in LA and we started to attend Pasedena Four Square. The pastor there was someone who made a deep and lasting impression on me. Ralf Torrez. Ralf had been raised up under Jack Hayford of Church on the Way. He was the youth pastor for many year. That period of my life I had been going thru one hard time after another. Of all the pastors I've had he was the only one who understood that our struggles were not for lack of character but rather a season of testing. This was something so basic to the Christain walk that I wondered why it seemed to excape everyone else. It is sad when your brethern make life that much harder by the insults and put downs. Ralf and his church will forever hold a tender place in my soul.
Community. The yearning to be a part of a family. My problem was growing up I had a scewwed perspective on family. During the 70's and early 80's my home church empraced the "Sheparding/Accountability"movement espoused by such bible teachers as Bob Mumford,Don Bashum. I still hold these guys in very high regard. I profitted greatly in my walk from their teaching but the practical day to day application of "being covered" and "accountable"...frankly was just to damn harsh. I remember telling a friend that I felt like going to church was like punching a time card. I think this was the first crack in my relationship to God's people. I began to lose something there. When I first got saved I was in church every time the doors were open. There was such Joy in worshipping God. I was so hungry then for His Word. I loved everybody and everybody loved me. I was young I know,but then it was a special time. It became a point of going to church out of obligation rather than joy. And for a guy like me it got boring. I began to feel like the shoes no longer fit.
When I returned to Alaska after 8 years in LA I came back home a very different person than who had left. I was now a professional musician. I had school,records and a tour under my belt. It was then that I stepped into the life of a working musician. Problem was the hours kept me away from church. I was also mired in a horrible marriage that had been coming apart for years. Between the two I stumbled and stumbled hard. The next thing you know 14 years had gone by. I had maintained many of my relationships with my brethern I just got real skiddish and gun shy when being around to many of them. Here is a case in point. I'm sitting in a church once in LA during a revival. Sitting there minding my own business just as saved as I'd ever been yet here comes some well meaning believer who starts sharing Christ with me..I guess I look like a sinner. What it has been for me all these years is frankly fitting in. I just couldn't relate to the average pew sitting church goer. It's not that I feel in any way shape or form superior. Just different.
I've said all that to say this..I repent. I feel guilty for all those years of not being a productive member of a fellowship. But in a real sence I became a victum of the charismatic movement. Starting with the shame and guilt producing Sheparding movement and ending with my divorce. So maybe I'll take my wives advice..go to a "nice" church..well enough of my rant today..on ward Christian soilders.
Community. The yearning to be a part of a family. My problem was growing up I had a scewwed perspective on family. During the 70's and early 80's my home church empraced the "Sheparding/Accountability"movement espoused by such bible teachers as Bob Mumford,Don Bashum. I still hold these guys in very high regard. I profitted greatly in my walk from their teaching but the practical day to day application of "being covered" and "accountable"...frankly was just to damn harsh. I remember telling a friend that I felt like going to church was like punching a time card. I think this was the first crack in my relationship to God's people. I began to lose something there. When I first got saved I was in church every time the doors were open. There was such Joy in worshipping God. I was so hungry then for His Word. I loved everybody and everybody loved me. I was young I know,but then it was a special time. It became a point of going to church out of obligation rather than joy. And for a guy like me it got boring. I began to feel like the shoes no longer fit.
When I returned to Alaska after 8 years in LA I came back home a very different person than who had left. I was now a professional musician. I had school,records and a tour under my belt. It was then that I stepped into the life of a working musician. Problem was the hours kept me away from church. I was also mired in a horrible marriage that had been coming apart for years. Between the two I stumbled and stumbled hard. The next thing you know 14 years had gone by. I had maintained many of my relationships with my brethern I just got real skiddish and gun shy when being around to many of them. Here is a case in point. I'm sitting in a church once in LA during a revival. Sitting there minding my own business just as saved as I'd ever been yet here comes some well meaning believer who starts sharing Christ with me..I guess I look like a sinner. What it has been for me all these years is frankly fitting in. I just couldn't relate to the average pew sitting church goer. It's not that I feel in any way shape or form superior. Just different.
I've said all that to say this..I repent. I feel guilty for all those years of not being a productive member of a fellowship. But in a real sence I became a victum of the charismatic movement. Starting with the shame and guilt producing Sheparding movement and ending with my divorce. So maybe I'll take my wives advice..go to a "nice" church..well enough of my rant today..on ward Christian soilders.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Southern Weather and the life of an Artist
I was sitting here this eveing with Allison. We had just finished cooking fried chiken in a cast iron fry pan(to give it that true southern vibe) I have been trying the last several years to perfect my fried chicken. I figured a close appoximation of KFC's 11 herbs and spices was simple. 2 packs of dry Italian salad dressing mix,powered tomato soup mix,paprika,both onion and garlic powder,a touch of cayanne pepper and along with the flour mix a tad bit of Masa corn flour. Once we got done we sat on our couch and heard thunder. Allison looked outside just as lightening was beginning to strike then came the down pour. For someone from Alaska this remains a trip to me. It was then I got sick again...couldn't eat a thing without throwing up..I will be happy when I recover. I've never been so sick. It truly sucks.
I sit here late at night some nights and wonder. All those years in AK. wondering what the future holds. When oh God when will I be released. Well here we are. NOLA. The most unique city I've ever been to let alone lived in..what adventures lie in store here?
The big question for an artist. How do you make money at this? I really have no clue. The music business has changed in ways I thought I'd never see. Technology has made that possible. Anyone with a shoe string budget can produce a good sounding cd and with that same cd can produce a video to go along with your music and put it on you tube. I started to paint My blog is in the process of becoming a book(I have a writer friend back in AK who is editing my stuff as I type this) the painting is something so new. Something I had been thinking of doing for a long time. All these creative things...I see the same gifts in my daughter Jessica. Honestly I think she has far more talent than I. My son Jeremy plays guitar so much better at his age than I did at the same age as he. All these things.I prepared for years for this on one level or another but I didn't take this into consideration. Age. I wasn't planning on getting old.Compared to many others I'm not "old" but if you are reading this it is coming from a middle aged musician in his 50's. One of my favorite movies right now is "The story of Anvil" a story of a heavy metal band that has been at it for 30 years and has yet to "make it" Music makes me happy. Getting on stage makes me happy. Much like them that was(and is) my story too. I'm one of those guitar players that "should have been" it is so hard to out run "Should have been"or should be. the reality is right now I'm not but this story is not on it's final chapter there is yet to be an epolog. Mine has not been written.
I have been thru love and it's loss. I've had nights of glory and moments deep deep sadness. I have felt lost and so utterly alone and lonely. I have moments filled with overwhelming love. There has been so much I have survived. So many times my life has burned down in front of me and I have somehow found the will to rebuild again.
Here is the struggle. I find at my age I don't want the struggles of a 20 or even a 30 something. I am alarmed at the loss of ambition and drive I once had. Yet I still live under the shadow of "Should". A therapist whose book I was reading once said "Should are Shame statements" shoulda,coulda,woulda,..screw it all. What will my history say? Screw my credit rating, screw my retirement,screw all the thingrthat 99% of the rest of the world worships...and they worship "SECURITY" if the fall out of the economy has shown us anything it's the people you trusted to care for your golden years were just plain crooks and stole your money. I passed on alot to "GO ALL IN" I walked away from a state job in AK where had I stayed I would have been covered for life with health benefits. Problem was I was no good at the job. A preacher I heard once said security is the enemy of faith...maybe that is the real issue here. This world or the other world.
The Bible says the just shall live by faith. Jesus said a lot on the subject of God caring for our daily needs. I have experienced miraculess times of God's provision. Truly amazing. My years in Southern California was a time like that. It is built into me thanks to those days to soilder on. Yet my feet arn't as fleet as they once were,my eye sight not as sharp and my energy not what it once was. So what do I have. Something only a guy with the time I have under my belt would. EXPERIENCE. and maybe wisdom. A few years back I spent 5 days getting reaquianted with guys I used to play with. I stood outside one night talking to one of them and frankly I was shocked at the almost lack of growth I saw in him. 20 years had gone by. I would have expected more. I have a few friends back in AK like that. They seem frozen. Suspended in time. I told my sister that I had been having the same conversation with a family member for 20 plus years. Some people just will never "get it". They never seem to "wize up". I have, so what do I fear? I am at a place in my life where if there is a real need I am confident God will supply it. I have become ( continue becoming) the guitar player I once dreamed of. after 3 tries I finally found a soul mate. A woman I share so much with and someone who has taught me so much. I have overcome morbid obesity. I now live in the city of my dreams. Some place where I can step outside my door and smile at the beauty I'm surrounded by. Why am I still afraid at times? I grew up in a family that was unstable to say the least. That fear that all can change in a moments notice has nipped at my soul my whole life. Getting sick like I have is a case in point. what started out as a coff turned into this. Still Allison and I were talking the other day how it was after I got sick she went to work. Had it been a day or two earlier she wouldn't been able to be at the hospital with me. All can change yet looking back over my shoulders I have been thru so much yet God has always been there.
I have learned so much in my life because I have always tried to be "Teachable"I have always looked at every situation I have found myself in rather I liked it asked for it or brought it on myself in this way. the Bible says the steps of a good man are ordered of the Lord then He had a reason for this and there is something here for me to learn. God has taken me thru many valleys many times of trials teaching almost all of it has been about relationships. In the 80's it was over coming being co-dependant and the son of an Alcoholic. Reading "Co-dependant no more"by Melody Beaty really changed my life. There has always been the music and it has taken me down many roads.But most of what God has taught me has been stuff someone called to be a therapist would learn. I would have gone down that road had I not been a musician. OK I think this is the deal with this blog tonight I have all the experience talent and training of someone who would be in a "Professional"field like a college professor or such. I chose to remain a guitar player.My love and devotion to the instrument has kept me frankly Poor.
I have all the trapings of success except this. The money that follows success. Allison is so good for me in this respect she never compares me to the Jones,she is not impressed with money and in her eyes she sees me as a very successful man. A musician who has continued to play when so many like me quit and went off to become successful in some other field. I found that back when I taught there were many my age who had regreted giving up music. It was like they were trying to capture something out of their past. Something I never gave up. I have it in me to be I believe an effective therapist but I don't at 54 ever see myself in school to earn a masters degree to be one. What I would like from God is this The money and the life of what I truly am. A world class musician. Guitarist singer song writer. What I want is this I want the life of an artist and be so successful that money is not a worry or issue. Another reason I love being married to Allison is she is good with money. I want the Valedation that money brings to a man for his work. That money to pay bills, buy a home, keep a car going the money to do that and money for my old age(coming from song royalties and works of art etc) for me the money is the pay back for a life time of sacrafice and sticking with music when there were so many other things I could have done...God will you bless the works of these hands after all these years? I pray you will.
I sit here late at night some nights and wonder. All those years in AK. wondering what the future holds. When oh God when will I be released. Well here we are. NOLA. The most unique city I've ever been to let alone lived in..what adventures lie in store here?
The big question for an artist. How do you make money at this? I really have no clue. The music business has changed in ways I thought I'd never see. Technology has made that possible. Anyone with a shoe string budget can produce a good sounding cd and with that same cd can produce a video to go along with your music and put it on you tube. I started to paint My blog is in the process of becoming a book(I have a writer friend back in AK who is editing my stuff as I type this) the painting is something so new. Something I had been thinking of doing for a long time. All these creative things...I see the same gifts in my daughter Jessica. Honestly I think she has far more talent than I. My son Jeremy plays guitar so much better at his age than I did at the same age as he. All these things.I prepared for years for this on one level or another but I didn't take this into consideration. Age. I wasn't planning on getting old.Compared to many others I'm not "old" but if you are reading this it is coming from a middle aged musician in his 50's. One of my favorite movies right now is "The story of Anvil" a story of a heavy metal band that has been at it for 30 years and has yet to "make it" Music makes me happy. Getting on stage makes me happy. Much like them that was(and is) my story too. I'm one of those guitar players that "should have been" it is so hard to out run "Should have been"or should be. the reality is right now I'm not but this story is not on it's final chapter there is yet to be an epolog. Mine has not been written.
I have been thru love and it's loss. I've had nights of glory and moments deep deep sadness. I have felt lost and so utterly alone and lonely. I have moments filled with overwhelming love. There has been so much I have survived. So many times my life has burned down in front of me and I have somehow found the will to rebuild again.
Here is the struggle. I find at my age I don't want the struggles of a 20 or even a 30 something. I am alarmed at the loss of ambition and drive I once had. Yet I still live under the shadow of "Should". A therapist whose book I was reading once said "Should are Shame statements" shoulda,coulda,woulda,..screw it all. What will my history say? Screw my credit rating, screw my retirement,screw all the thingrthat 99% of the rest of the world worships...and they worship "SECURITY" if the fall out of the economy has shown us anything it's the people you trusted to care for your golden years were just plain crooks and stole your money. I passed on alot to "GO ALL IN" I walked away from a state job in AK where had I stayed I would have been covered for life with health benefits. Problem was I was no good at the job. A preacher I heard once said security is the enemy of faith...maybe that is the real issue here. This world or the other world.
The Bible says the just shall live by faith. Jesus said a lot on the subject of God caring for our daily needs. I have experienced miraculess times of God's provision. Truly amazing. My years in Southern California was a time like that. It is built into me thanks to those days to soilder on. Yet my feet arn't as fleet as they once were,my eye sight not as sharp and my energy not what it once was. So what do I have. Something only a guy with the time I have under my belt would. EXPERIENCE. and maybe wisdom. A few years back I spent 5 days getting reaquianted with guys I used to play with. I stood outside one night talking to one of them and frankly I was shocked at the almost lack of growth I saw in him. 20 years had gone by. I would have expected more. I have a few friends back in AK like that. They seem frozen. Suspended in time. I told my sister that I had been having the same conversation with a family member for 20 plus years. Some people just will never "get it". They never seem to "wize up". I have, so what do I fear? I am at a place in my life where if there is a real need I am confident God will supply it. I have become ( continue becoming) the guitar player I once dreamed of. after 3 tries I finally found a soul mate. A woman I share so much with and someone who has taught me so much. I have overcome morbid obesity. I now live in the city of my dreams. Some place where I can step outside my door and smile at the beauty I'm surrounded by. Why am I still afraid at times? I grew up in a family that was unstable to say the least. That fear that all can change in a moments notice has nipped at my soul my whole life. Getting sick like I have is a case in point. what started out as a coff turned into this. Still Allison and I were talking the other day how it was after I got sick she went to work. Had it been a day or two earlier she wouldn't been able to be at the hospital with me. All can change yet looking back over my shoulders I have been thru so much yet God has always been there.
I have learned so much in my life because I have always tried to be "Teachable"I have always looked at every situation I have found myself in rather I liked it asked for it or brought it on myself in this way. the Bible says the steps of a good man are ordered of the Lord then He had a reason for this and there is something here for me to learn. God has taken me thru many valleys many times of trials teaching almost all of it has been about relationships. In the 80's it was over coming being co-dependant and the son of an Alcoholic. Reading "Co-dependant no more"by Melody Beaty really changed my life. There has always been the music and it has taken me down many roads.But most of what God has taught me has been stuff someone called to be a therapist would learn. I would have gone down that road had I not been a musician. OK I think this is the deal with this blog tonight I have all the experience talent and training of someone who would be in a "Professional"field like a college professor or such. I chose to remain a guitar player.My love and devotion to the instrument has kept me frankly Poor.
I have all the trapings of success except this. The money that follows success. Allison is so good for me in this respect she never compares me to the Jones,she is not impressed with money and in her eyes she sees me as a very successful man. A musician who has continued to play when so many like me quit and went off to become successful in some other field. I found that back when I taught there were many my age who had regreted giving up music. It was like they were trying to capture something out of their past. Something I never gave up. I have it in me to be I believe an effective therapist but I don't at 54 ever see myself in school to earn a masters degree to be one. What I would like from God is this The money and the life of what I truly am. A world class musician. Guitarist singer song writer. What I want is this I want the life of an artist and be so successful that money is not a worry or issue. Another reason I love being married to Allison is she is good with money. I want the Valedation that money brings to a man for his work. That money to pay bills, buy a home, keep a car going the money to do that and money for my old age(coming from song royalties and works of art etc) for me the money is the pay back for a life time of sacrafice and sticking with music when there were so many other things I could have done...God will you bless the works of these hands after all these years? I pray you will.
Church
As much as I'm ashamed to say this it has nearly 15 yrs since I was involved in a church. I had some very bad experiences with church(to be fair I also had some very good one too) But when I was back in AK trying to rebuild my life after my divorce I simply had to work multiple jobs to pay off debt and I had had enough of trying to fit into small town churches who were a little to closed minded to what a guy with my call has on him like me does. Yet I have felt quilty as time has gone by. Quilty that I let a few idiots chase me away,when I could have been a profitable member of a fellowship and do my part to build God's kingdom. As a bar musician I had to be very careful about being a believer. I mean the bars are full of lonely bitter people who have been abused by the church and God's people. There many,many times in conversations I would hear people slag the church. I had to agree with them. I have had a growing desire to repair this breach and become an active member once again. Repentance is a one time act it is a turning. The process of restoration takes time. After my divorce I just went nuts and fell hard. and far. It has been a slow turning but I do want to be in a fellowship I feel comfortable and accepted and where I can add my 2 cents to the Kingdom. This morning Allison and I are going to a church. We had met the pastor while I was in the hospital. He seemed cool and his church interesting. It is a Methodist church that joined with a black gospel church after Katrina. So we'll see.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)